Affliction of a different sort

This week at work there was a skittle situation that quite frankly, and possibly irrationally, really pissed me off. I brought a bag of skittles to work for a healthy and nutritional breakfast, snack, and lunch. Naturally, by 8:30AM I was already a handful of skittles in for the day. One of my co-workers ambled his way over to my cube, and booooooyyyyy does he amble! This troll treads like ah wildebeest! I heard his flat-footed, tree trunk legs coming. Is that rude? I digress… this fraggle rock muppet meandered over to my cube and had the NERVE without any regard for social tact to ask for some skittles. Now, I’m a generous person so of course I said yes. Had I known that this joker would wildly misinterpret my generosity as a license to help himself to my livelihood (Yeah.) then you betta believe I would have shut that down the hot second I saw his beady eyes dilate with gluttony!

So ignorant to all social etiquette (among other things…), my work friend stampeded over to my cube every half hour to ask an irrelevant and dumb question so that he can—without hesitation, nor permission!—spearhead his greedy paws into MY bag of skittles and shove a liberal amount of skittles into his salivating, mouth-breathing trap. Listennnn, I’m no communal candy dispenser; what’s mine is NOT yours… It’s mine, son! The greedy fool had me twisted. To correct this defamation of my character, I reacted the best way I could: childishly and, most definitely, selfishly. My plan of attack for the following day: tell the skittle-binging troll that I had taken the skittles home and then forgotten to bring them in to work the next morning. Now, of course I brought the skittles home—I needed to round out my day with a nutritional dinner. And, let’s just say, at this point if my apartment was on fire, I would first reach for the bag of skittles. I was NOT going to forget the candy the next morning. But his ignorance was my bliss!

When I arrived at work in the morning, I heard the swelling sound of flat-footed excitement. The voracious trick didn't even wait for me to get my ish together! When he failed to find the bag in its usual spot (happily situated within an arm’s reach of my keyboard), a panicked realization swept his pudgy face. I let him dangle on the edge of devastation for a few glorious seconds as he busted open my file cabinets (rude.) and checked the trash for its remains. Breaking the anticipation, I told him the truth—and by truth, I mean a lie. His mooching skittles days were ovahhh! The lie was put into play and his gourmandism was fantastically thwarted. Owing to my esurient nature, I had to sneak my skittles, stashed away in my purse, and anticipate the little guy’s heavy and forlorn footsteps for the rest of the day! It’s no sweat off my back but I’m not one to be ashamed of my malnutrition, nor stifle its cravings. What's worse, my skittles supply was seriously depleted! Nevertheless, being the good person that I am, I tried to lift my friend’s crushed spirits by saying, “Maybe next time I have skittles...” Yeah, buddy, next time you try to snatch my food with your chubby little fingers maybe I’ll cuuuut you! Fool.