Affliction of a different sort

This week at work there was a skittle situation that quite frankly, and possibly irrationally, really pissed me off. I brought a bag of skittles to work for a healthy and nutritional breakfast, snack, and lunch. Naturally, by 8:30AM I was already a handful of skittles in for the day. One of my co-workers ambled his way over to my cube, and booooooyyyyy does he amble! This troll treads like ah wildebeest! I heard his flat-footed, tree trunk legs coming. Is that rude? I digress… this fraggle rock muppet meandered over to my cube and had the NERVE without any regard for social tact to ask for some skittles. Now, I’m a generous person so of course I said yes. Had I known that this joker would wildly misinterpret my generosity as a license to help himself to my livelihood (Yeah.) then you betta believe I would have shut that down the hot second I saw his beady eyes dilate with gluttony!

So ignorant to all social etiquette (among other things…), my work friend stampeded over to my cube every half hour to ask an irrelevant and dumb question so that he can—without hesitation, nor permission!—spearhead his greedy paws into MY bag of skittles and shove a liberal amount of skittles into his salivating, mouth-breathing trap. Listennnn, I’m no communal candy dispenser; what’s mine is NOT yours… It’s mine, son! The greedy fool had me twisted. To correct this defamation of my character, I reacted the best way I could: childishly and, most definitely, selfishly. My plan of attack for the following day: tell the skittle-binging troll that I had taken the skittles home and then forgotten to bring them in to work the next morning. Now, of course I brought the skittles home—I needed to round out my day with a nutritional dinner. And, let’s just say, at this point if my apartment was on fire, I would first reach for the bag of skittles. I was NOT going to forget the candy the next morning. But his ignorance was my bliss!

When I arrived at work in the morning, I heard the swelling sound of flat-footed excitement. The voracious trick didn't even wait for me to get my ish together! When he failed to find the bag in its usual spot (happily situated within an arm’s reach of my keyboard), a panicked realization swept his pudgy face. I let him dangle on the edge of devastation for a few glorious seconds as he busted open my file cabinets (rude.) and checked the trash for its remains. Breaking the anticipation, I told him the truth—and by truth, I mean a lie. His mooching skittles days were ovahhh! The lie was put into play and his gourmandism was fantastically thwarted. Owing to my esurient nature, I had to sneak my skittles, stashed away in my purse, and anticipate the little guy’s heavy and forlorn footsteps for the rest of the day! It’s no sweat off my back but I’m not one to be ashamed of my malnutrition, nor stifle its cravings. What's worse, my skittles supply was seriously depleted! Nevertheless, being the good person that I am, I tried to lift my friend’s crushed spirits by saying, “Maybe next time I have skittles...” Yeah, buddy, next time you try to snatch my food with your chubby little fingers maybe I’ll cuuuut you! Fool.

A personal aspersion

I have finally christened my new job, wiping out in front of my co-workers. Falling while walking up the stairs hurt my ego more than bruises on my legs. It was an undeniable face plant—my panicked (and delayed.) reflex to snatch the railing went in vain. I could blame my lazy stride on the early hour of the morning but I’m placing the blame on my dang flip-flops! I knew exposing my feet to the world would only end in shame!

"Please state your name to introduce yourself to the group"

My last name is Control. No, my first name ain’t baby. It’s Sarah… Ms. Hinton if ya nasty.

Keeping the details light, I have attended several meetings (with the same people—give or take a couple of goons) in which introductions and the always-popular icebreakers are relied on to pierce the juggernaut of awkward silence. In these meetings, announcing a fun fact seems to be a prevalent choice among the sundry of icebreakers. Now, my concern is not why we’re continuing to introduce ourselves to one another. I’m more concerned about the number of freaking fun facts I need to conjure up for this shiz! It’s twisted. I didn’t realize in the job requirements it stated that a valued employee kept a fun fact in her back pocket. Yeesh, I’m not that fun. What’s worse, I don’t want these jokers knowing this much about me! I gotta keep dem quirks locked down, okayyyy. We’re acquaintances… Let’s keep it that way!

Irony be damned!

To all the hipsters riding bikes in absurdly tight jorts and oversized faux-glasses: If ya don’t get out of my way while I’m trying to drive, I WILL hit you and knock the irony right out ya skinny ass AND your ridiculous mode of transportation. Ya heard?

Move, Betch! Get out the way.