It's a lifestyle

My brief but valuable experiment as a hermit has come to an end. I managed to peel my half-melted worth from the sofa and gather up the crumbs of a careless pastime when food was too bountiful to completely consume. I conjured up all my strength to turn off the MTV Cribs marathon and retreated back into my room exhausted from the sudden bouts of movement. My own will power was not capable of doing what I have just described itself. No, by the force of embarrassing encounters did I then pry myself from my full commitment to living like a bum.

Earlier today, wrapped up in a blanket and unkempt, I was staring mindlessly into another among countless Cribs episodes. I could feel my brain melting into distortion more and more every time a celebrity said: “Now this is where the ‘magic’ happens.” My brain snapped back into form when I heard someone punch in the room code. Entered one of my roommates, her parents, grandparents, and siblings. All of whom I’m sure were just as surprised to see my fraggle rock self as I was to see them. Now, making small talk is not one of my strong points. Quite the opposite, in fact. Rather, I proceeded to watch Cribs with her grandparents looking on, trying to decipher the Hollywood narcissism. The judgment and confusion felt heavy enough to require some sort of distraction, one that I found in slurping on my soda in an effort to extract every last molecule.

Once they all shuffled out of the room, I knew my time was up. The past several days have been fantastically solitary, but nothing like that should last very long for risk of losing my sanity. I’m sure I was borderline maniacal. Yeah… Judging by the deep imprint I left on that sofa, I was pulled from the edge of madness just in time.

Moderation (in moderation)

I write this to you while laying in bed, in the dark. Just today, I have eaten—brace yourself—three bowls of cereal, a chocolate croissant, a package of animal crackers, two slices of pizza, two cup of noodles and another entire box of cereal. I excluded the beverages in order to maintain some sort of dignity. Irregardless (Mean Girls reference), one might have described my appetite as ravenous, but I just call it another day. Once I capped my calorie intake for tha day, I unbuttoned my jeans to release the chokehold on my filled belly. I thought it best before the strain breached the unforgiving woven threads of my sliming jeans. Ironic? Indeed!

Why haven't I found another

I was asked today if I was a baller. My steadfast reply was quite simply: Yes, yes I am a baller.