Dream big or go home

...I'll chose the latter, thank youuuu!

Okay, nerdz. I could contribute my absence to some serious brisk hustlin, but you know I like to sashay leisurely. To be honest—and, I hear that honesty is the best policy—I have spent these past few days, weeks, okay, MONTHS (twist my arm!) completely and unequivocally dedicated to misanthropic lounging. Not even this thing called my “career” can get in my way! In fact, since I reside in a cubical all. day. long. I find that this actually works well with the solipsism that my inexorably antisocial laziness finds so delicious. Perhaps I have found my dream job.

YASSSSSSS

I ended my college career the same way it started: late to class. (In part because my belt loop caught on the door as I entered the classroom… So awkward! I had to stand in the doorway to wiggle out of an improbable situation.) On my way to class though, a giant bug nearly flew into my mouth and interrupted my hustle. And so, I learned my most important lesson at college: walk with your mouth closed. Mouth breathers nevahhh win! Truth.

My feelings, as I head into exams and the uncharted space—quite possibly a black hole—that is my future: “Betch, I got this.” Watch out!

Humanitarian strides

Gay marriage was legalized in D.C. today. Let’s hope this critical, symbolic motion for equality in civil and fundamental rights makes its way to Virginia.

Shots! Shots! Shots!

Spring Breakkkk 2010!!! Wooo Party in Virginiaaaa

Dumb luck

“Used to rock a throwback, ballin’ on the corner
Now I rock a Teller suit, lookin’ like a owner”

YASSSSS. I have never been so happy with mediocrity! This is what the French must feel like… SNAP! After a week’s delirium of forecasting danggg cash flow statements and working capital (which uhhh I’ll level with you… I don’t even know what that is.), I pulled off an unexceptional and ephemeral presentation. And though you may not know it yet, it was indeed an incredible accomplishment—one in which could only be achieved by a stars aligning type of luck and (finally, those prayers of mine were answered) no flop sweat. Huzzah!

I’m not sure if this thing of beauty—yes, beauty—is a turning point in my educational career (Better late than never?! My ass! I needed this shiz yearssss ago!) or a misstep in my inevitable decline to complete social ineptitude… Ahem, I think we all know the answer to that.

I rarely settle in life. But this— Oh man… this one, I’ll graciously concede.

Big Date

This Sunday is Valentine’s Day, or as I like to call it, just another day. To celebrate this sham (!!) of a holiday, I will happily be taking myself out to a nice dinner and a show. No expenses spared!

The theory of tolerance: the teenager edition

A few weeks ago, I returned to Boston to finish my last semester at college. At the airport, a young freshman, faultlessly mesmerized by my sage and charm, formed an impetuous bond to me. A bond comprised of a most irritating adhesive.

Despite snide retorts and plenty of attitude, I couldn’t kick the boy scout (... Figuratively speaking, of course...). So I resolved on the fact that I could save money and share a cab with him back to campus. Hey, that IRA isn’t going to build itself! Amiright?? Ay ohhhh!

But I digress.

In the cab, the conversation was as contrived as the boy-child was vapid. What’s worse, within the Ambien prescribed conversation, he tried to shame me for not recognizing the name of a football player. ~BLASPHEMY!~ … Please! Allow me verbalize the palpable side-eye judgment I threw his way...

Teenager, with candid disdain: “How do you NOT know who that is? Where have you been?? I can’t bel—”

Me, always with perspicacity and eloquence: “Where have I been?! Where have YOU been?! What about 1988, 1989, and 1990… Oh that’s right, you weren’t alive!! Respect your elders, fool!”

Damn kids these days.